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Oregon Magazine’s Man of the Year, and recipient of the Bottle of Hunt’s Ketchup Award is Stuart Varney of the FOX TV network.

August 24, 2012 — A bottle of ketchup is the true American sauce, if for no other reason than the French hate the stuff. This man is disliked by all American and French socialists. Born on July 7, 1949 in either Derby, Derbyshire or Ducksplat on Avon (England), and now a citizen of these United States, Stuart, whose morning show airs on the FOX Business Channel, is a perfect example of what caused 250 years of American dynamism. That is, like the transplants from Cuba who paddled here on a raft made of fruit boxes, he has a pair of internal glasses which let him see what is waiting behind “something free from the government.”

Mr. Varney, who unlike most modern American major university graduates, can locate Greece on a map, and knows why cars burst into flame, there, is like all those who noticed the collapse of the old Soviet Union and gave thanks for the event. Having escaped the inquisition of Marxism’s ghost whose shadow still grows across the sea, he has an exuberance of spirit that shines through his skin and radiates a light in an otherwise journalistic American wasteland of Transylvanian zombie vulksnews.

Just as a mountain goat, freed from the claws of a snow leopard by an avalanche, leaps much higher due to the muscular energy generated by the symbolic divorce of the marriage with the carnivore, Varney’s eyes are not clouded, but see behind the mask of the liberal. Having darted from the jail cell of England and Europe just before the door of steel bars slammed shut, the clang of economic and social incarceration still ringing in his ears, Varney is the epitome of the man who sees. Unlike generations of Americans (particularly our current youthful sector), he can still feel the icy winds of socialist imperialism at his back.

Thus, his new joy is ironically enhanced by the forces of bloody economic and societal death approaching from behind. Like the Cubans of Florida, and like the man whose car engine quit so he wasn’t on the bridge when it collapsed, Varney’s editorial output is energized and informed in large part by disasters he avoided.

It is one thing to watch a Hollywood movie about war, and quite another to know that the passing bullet you hear is one that just missed killing you.

Career Specifics of Singular Significance:

He likes both American football and NASCAR
He has a regular feature, “Joe Biden on Fantasy Island,” on his FOX morning show
He has a frequent economic guest who wears a jacket made of b&w bovine camo skin.
His regular A.M.show panel, a black man and a pretty white blonde, don’t hate America
He is what the late Charles Kuralt could have been if he hadn’t actually been a hippie with a tie.
He said on 8.23.12 that Prince Harry of England isn’t the “fun Royal,” but rather is an idiot

In conclusion: for the journalistic clarity powered by his youthful eastern Atlantic near death experience, we salute this Stuart Varney, and compare his motivation to that of other European transplants who centuries earlier left those lands in leaky wooden tubs powered by greased canvas sails, and by the Grace of God, were lucky enough to reach a place where the only people trying to scalp them were Indians.

Stuart Varney of FOX News, Oregon Magazine salutes you.

LL/OrMag (Emeritus)
Art Hyland (Editor)
Bruce Harmon (Co-publisher)
Fred Delkin (former college defensive linebacker)

(Varney show website)

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