His near demise was caused by an item he ordered off the internet.  He came across the site of a company that sold giant cardboard Pepe Lepews and ordered one.  When it arrived, he unwrapped it and staked it near his cabbage patch, thinking that it would surely keep away all the female skunks that had been feeding on his young sprouts.

Unfortunately, there are many skunks around here who have never seen a Warner Brothers cartoon, and so were attracted, not repelled by the giant Pepe.

When he went out in the dark to see if it was working, he stepped on the tail of a real skunk, which made it squeak.  When he saw all the other tails come up, he knew he was in trouble.  The shower of stink drops covered him from head to foot before he took a single step to run.

The doctors at the emergency ward, because they were downwind, diagnosed his condition six miles before the ambulance got there.  Felipe had to drive the last two miles himself after the attendants passed out.

The medical team was able to save his life by dunking him in a vat of Old Spice after-shave lotion, but even that couldn't entirely solve the problem. 

He still stunk so bad that the family decided to bury him, even though he wasn't dead.  But, they were turned down by forty three cemetaries because the groundskeepers all said his odor would erode the angels on the headstones.  A professional fumigator from Twisp then suggested that he be encased in concrete and dropped down a mneshaft.  The EPA, however, has denied a permit for that on the basis that he could defile the aquafers in seven western states.

Until a solution is developed by medical science, he will be making his living duct-taped to the exhaust fan at the Snooseville Saloon, which has improved the odor of the vicinity because you can't smell the lutefisk, any more.

Murdock Coelacanth, of Rt 3 Dufur, a descendant of a frontier phlebotomist, has made a detailed study of the head of Peter Jennings, and has announced that he has proof that Jennings is either an extra-terrestrial or a descendant of someone who was frightened by a chocolate eclair.. 

Gronk in a Pickle

Gotham Gronk, of Rt 2 Peg's Bottom, at the spring festival set a new record by eating 48 full sized cucumbers in ten minutes.  He is now C-shaped and has to drink a gallon of vinegar every day to keep from rotting.

Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

Something to think about
by Plato Hamburger, PhD, Hon.

"It is thought by anthropologists that Man descended from the apes.  This specious claim is easily disproved with one simple example.  Apes of all sorts from chimpanzees to gorillas have been dressed in human clothes by those who use them for entertainment purposes.  They have appeared in everything from farmer's coveralls to black tie formal dress -- and except for those specifically trained to do so, none has ever put his hands in his pockets."

2002
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2001
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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.